About Lady Parts (Trust Me, I’m An Expert)

Husby and me visited a friend in France a while ago for our second honeyweek. The friend is a Dutchie as well – I call him Geert because I am feeling particularly sadistic – and obviously watches Dutch news every night. (He lives on a mountain surrounded by wild bears and glaciers, barely gets any phone reception, his Internet is good enough to check mail once every three weeks and post is delivered to nearest village since postman refuses to do extra five miles with every letter. Yet his TV signal is better than ours here.) Between demonstrations in Poland, US elections and the most important Dutch news of the day – eggs have been discounted by 0.5% in one of the supermarkets and five people died in the turmoil 🙁 – we got adverts.

My personal favourite is the ad of Blokker, a chain of Dutch stores. You can find one easily by walking in a random direction for up to 30 seconds. It sells everything except possibly food, which makes it different from HEMA which sells everything including food and Xenos which sells everything including food but!!! no sausages. Which leads me to a clear conclusion that Blokker is a fail because why would I go buy my everything in a store that doesn’t offer me a sausage at the end of my trip? Try harder, Blokker. Anyway, the ad features Sarah Jessica Parker and her girlfriends who look totally nothing like Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte at all whatsoever. SJP presents them with things she bought in Blokker, switches one of her purchases on and gives the entire Manhattan a blackout. Then punchline is delivered: “And uh… flashlights!”

Wait, this is going somewhere.

I am not entirely sure if I would think that the right way to advertise my store is to suggest our products are capable of initiating the best and fastest blackouts in the world. Dutch ads are weird in general, though, which I suppose is to further spread the reputation of the Netherlands as THE place to go for hard, soft and medium drugs. (Pro-tip: don’t go to the Bible belt to get your drugs, that is not an ironic nickname.) And then Geert jumped in excitement as his all-time favourite advert started to play – thirty seconds of a good-looking, well-dressed lady looking at the camera and talking about her vaginal thrush. Or, in Dutch, vaginale schimmel. (It also translates as vaginal shrooms, but I am almost certain that wasn’t a “two-for-one in Red Light District” sort of ad. Not with the clothes she was wearing.)

(I am not going to link to this. You’re welcome.)

My dear friend Mathilde was somewhat surprised when I told her that Geert asked us to think of him every time we see the advert for vaginale schimmel. (To be more precise it is an advert AGAINST vaginale schimmel. It’s not like the lady is sitting there all like “vaginal shrooms are AWESOME and you can get them at discount at selected supermarkets now”. But I don’t know full details because I sort of die inside every time it comes on, which is often.) The main problem for Mathilde was not the existence of the ad itself, because as she explained to me in way more detail than I would be comfortable with the shrooms are a very real and serious problem, but that she had a boyfriend who refused to do anything with his own vaginale schimmel because men don’t get any symptoms. Due to shortcomings in vaginal department, obviously.

“Why would I put some sort of… cream on my cock,” asked her EX-boyfriend – whom we shall call Shroomdick from now on, “just because your vagina is itching?”

I actually gasped and expected the full bro “…and anyway, I have a special tool to scratch the itch” special, but Shroomdick was so much of an asshole he did not even bother that much. It truly takes a special sort of man to refuse putting cream on his peepee to help his girlfriend not get all schimmel-y during sex because he is too lazy to actually do the sexing anyway. Dick, this is not an acceptable excuse. Go fuck yourself. Oh no! YOU’RE TOO LAZY. It’s not like Mathilde asked you to put tabasco sauce down there, Shroomie. I would tell you about a funny party trick which is adding a few drops of tabasco sauce to contact lens liquid, but 1) you’re an ex anyway so why bother, and 2) you can’t read. But in case you’re wondering why you have no girlfriend, well, maybe you should watch some more Dutch adverts!!!!!!!!!

I got all worked up now and I don’t even know what vaginale schimmel actually is, because I didn’t watch the advert either. So basically I wrote a big ass post that boils down to me being an asshole. But I can attest that the ad really works, because now every time we hear the first words we think back to Geert running around the table shouting triumphantly “VAGINALE SCHIMMEL!!!!” while we’re chasing him with forks trying to get him to stop. Apparently France is a beautiful country, but I can’t really say much about it, because all my memories have been replaced by the sight of a well-dressed lady and two words shouted by a man.

3 thoughts on “About Lady Parts (Trust Me, I’m An Expert)

  1. Vaginale schimmel is very evil thing, trust me. It is more evil than hangover after mixing whiskey and tequila. I think Mathilde should kill her ex-boyfriend for putting her at the risk of catching vaginal thrush over and over again.
    BTW, I start to wonder. Are there in Netherlands actual light/medium/hard drugs ads, or only ads suggesting that the ad agency worker was slightly high?

    1. Death is too good for her ex. I would suggest syphilis instead. AND impotence so he can’t share it.

      Drugs are actually illegal here including marijuana, which most people don’t know. Possession of marijuana is a crime punished by nothing. But cocaine used to be one of NL’s biggest exports and there were adverts at the time indeed.

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