Shit We Brought from South of France

In the previous episode we went on our second honeyweek to a lovely place in the South of France and watched adverts. We stayed at Geert’s – he’s been a good friend of Husby for quite a while, and is currently also serving his sentence as one of mine thanks to his stellar performance as host, advert presenter and, well, friend. Love you, Geert, you’re awesome. In fact *turns back to the audience* he is so awesome that he prepared presents for us – and it transpires that this guy knows how to make us very, very happy. And so, pleased as punch, we brought home the following:

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A dead boar’s skull. I am not completely sure why I felt the need to stress the fact that it was dead, as surely a live boar’s skull would be more striking. But then, you probably haven’t seen our house. So yeah, unusually, the boar was 100% dead.

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Insects. They’re also dead and range from butterflies, moths and crickets to please-don’t-ask-me because I think insects are generally gross. If I were the Emperor of Earth, I’d begin my rule by eradicating AIDS, cancer, spiders, wars, Justin Bieber and non-spidery insects. This is me trying to make myself a better person than I actually am by suggesting I wouldn’t start with spiders. Also pictured: feathers. I would leave feathers alone in my Emperor reign, birds, however, shall be required to use actual toilets and not just drop their excrements while flying. Manners cost nothing, birds.

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Dead dry frogs. By now you are probably starting to notice a pattern. Yes, one of Husby’s many things is taking dead animals and covering them in thicker or thinner resin, thus giving them their second, third etc. chance to disturb someone’s mental peace. Those frogs will soon hang in front of your face with Husby asking in a concerned voice “do you like them?”. Just get used to it. Also. They are not embryos. Most definitely frogs. I mean, I haven’t checked but Geert and Husby wouldn’t lie to me about this.

Huge quantities of mood-altering substances. By this I mean my bipolar medication. I haven’t been arrested yet, but I finally will, as a two-week trip with me requires extra luggage just so I can fit in my “Monday”, “Tuesday” etc. grannyboxes, as I call them. But I kinda lied here, because we had huge quantities on our way TO France, and on our way back we only had low-to-medium quantities, like, for a very small rave party in your mom’s garden. I’m not attaching a photo because if you don’t know what medication looks like you’re an extremely lucky person and keep it that way.

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A chunk of tool steel (car suspension spring). This is obviously the only reasonable thing to bring with you from anywhere. Tool steel is expensive and not so easy to just bump into. If we had less dead frogs we could have had a much larger chunk. (Chunk of steel, not insects and skulls.) Yes, I do, in fact, need to bring broken suspension springs from abroad. They can be used for many purposes that insects will not fulfil, like to make tools. You may say “this metal rod will totally break my box of spiders” Husby, but have you ever tried to punch a hole in hot steel using a spider? Yeah, I didn’t think so. Also move that box because I don’t want dead spider bits in my clothes.

I am seriously sorry for a desperate person that will break into our apartment one day. Not only will they get lost trying to work out how our walk-in closet works (I’ve been living here for over a year and I still forget that when you enter the door on the right you do NOT get transported into different dimension, so I can amuse myself endlessly by walking into the door on the right, exiting on the left and repeating those two things). Oh no. They will also definitely stick their hands into a box of spiders, then when backing away from it get hit with a piece of tool steel falling off the shelf (pro-tip: put heavy pieces of steel as high as possible, it’s great fun to have them hit you on their way down!) and finally find themselves running away with a considerable amount of white plaster penises in their bag, wondering how come we don’t have anything useful. We DO, thief. Dead frogs, tool steel and plaster cocks are very useful. It’s not our fault your life is empty and meaningless.

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