Fashion Advice From A Weirdo

I need all those to complete my 2016/2017 look. Because obviously we don’t have enough things. This post also doubles as “buy this for Ray because Xmas is coming, and Xmas is when you buy Ray things”. (I’ll ask Husby for a separate list.)

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This is a winter hat. Obviously. It’s a bit on the Skeletor being an extra in Game of Thrones side of things, which is awesome. You can take out the mask and remove the neck part but that’s a bit like removing all clothing from The Mountain in Game of Thrones. Okay, bad example. It’s a bit like removing all clothes from Skeletor. Except you can still use the hat part but I am not sure about using naked Skeletor. (Why is his body blue but skull sort of yellow and hanging in the darkness of his winter hat? When he takes it off with the skull be connected with a little yellow spine to the blue headless body? I think this metaphor didn’t work.)

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Those are jeans. I think. I would look totally ridonkulous wearing them. Which is fine with me, because my idea of subtle is dying my hair fire engine red to convey the message “colours are awesome”. And my idea of elegant is pairing those with a biker jacket and a feather boa. So basically if you would like to invite me for a candlelight dinner with the local vicar and Mrs Counsellor Nugent please buy me those pants first. I wear size 28 30 32 34. Thanks a lot!

By the way, according to the description they are “moto pants red biker”. I can’t say I’ve ever seen a biker wear something like those, and I DO have a tendency to stare at bikers way too long, but hey, maybe I could be the first. (Speaking of which when you’re buying me the pants add a motorbike too.)

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I DO realise this looks sort of like a ran-over Wookie penis, but in actual fact it is sheepskin. Or rather two of them sown together. (SuperLargeDouble size please.) I need this for very important reasons. Our two lovely lesbian friends gave us reindeer skins, which look awesome. It’s also very nice to lay down on them. Except for the bit where they are shedding like 101 dalmatians, so essentially the only way you can avoid being covered in reindeer hair is to be dressed in full leather gear, which somewhat defeats the point of laying on fur. You will agree that a discerning gentleman dressed in moto biker red jeans needs to be able to lay on fur in front of a fireplace in the most comfortable and shedding-less manner. Look. I beg. I’ll send you pictures.

Also I actually need three of those so I can see how it feels to sleep in literal king’s bed. Well. IKEA bed covered by dead sheep should about look like a king’s bed, right? This is very important for my wellbeing, people.

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If I can’t have the sheepskin rug, I need full leather to lay down on my reindeers, so a shirt is very important. I am also working on developing a leather fetish because it honestly looks like lots of fun. It doesn’t turn me on so much YET, but I am sure with more dedication and practice it finally will, a bit like eating goat cheese, only with less goats and more cowhide. Also leather smells much nicer than goat cheese, although I still wouldn’t eat either of them. But please do not buy me a shirt made of goat cheese.

A proper leatherman also needs cigars but 1) they kind of stink and 2) Husby absolutely refuses to let me smoke in the house, and the idea of dressing up in full leather regalia, going upstairs to sit on the roof in the rain all on my own and smoking a cigar as fast as I can so I can go back downstairs and not freeze me bollocks off doesn’t really turn me on all that much. I mean – I may be into S/M but this is not the sort of pain I would enjoy. The shirt though? I’d enjoy the hell out of that. Especially the moment when I’d go visit my mom for Xmas wearing it.

And finally the worst best:

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Winter in Amsterdam generally means +2 Celcius and horizontal rain. Those are not boots for +2 degrees. What most people don’t know though is that when you are at the forge in the winter you totally get frostbite even at +2. Most folks associate “forge = fire”. Yes. You can get your hands and face really warm. But you also need very good ventilation. Like all windows and doors open at all times. Wind going through. And there’s a lot of standing by the fire involved. Theoretically I guess I COULD take my boots off every 15 minutes and throw some hot coal into them for a bit but you wouldn’t believe how dirty my socks would get. Also I am sort of using that coal for something else. And also it heats up to 1600 Celcius and I’d like some sensible compromise between 1600 and 2. So those boots are apparently made for Canadian lumberjacks and absolutely boil one’s feet. BOIL MY FEET, BOOTS. I DARE YOU. Because in the last few years I became very familiar with feeling as if I am walking on stumps because I lost all feeling in my feet.

I think that all you really need to know about me is that all those links in my browser are stored in a bookmark folder called FASHION.

3 thoughts on “Fashion Advice From A Weirdo

  1. Good timing. Today I’ve browsed through a lot of old pictures and got an epiphany. Here goes: whenever I try to dress “normal” or “casual” or “classic” (da heck is that anyway?) I end up looking dowdy. Not the “cute girl next door” dowdy. Just “why are you so pale and swollen?” dowdy.
    Normal clothing is Not For Me.

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