Husby Is Not So Technological

We have a clear division of tasks Chez Ours. For instance, Husby does all ironing, because I am so lazy I never would. It’s very easy to train yourself not to notice creases in anything. I don’t wear suits and shirts which might be because you DO notice creased shirts, no matter what your degree of laziness is. My mom sometimes complains that my t-shirts are not ironed, to which I answer “you’re welcome to do it yourself”. I wish I could say this shuts her up, but unfortunately quite often she does and then I feel guilty, but still not motivated enough.

I actually tried to iron a shirt once for job interview. I had an iron (which I got from my mom as a birthday gift, because my mom is exciting like that) which was gathering dust for three years or so. It was LITERALLY gathering dust and when I pressed the “steam” button – I have no idea if I needed it, but it just sounded like a very pro ironer thing to do – all that dust was embedded in my shirt. Forever. I bought a new one. And resolved to never go to job interviews again. Problem = solved!

I am the one that fixes computer things. Like for instance when recently Spotify took over Husby’s entire screen. Spotify introduce two errors every time they fix one, so I wasn’t surprised. In case it ever takes over your entire screen and you have a Mac, press Control-Tab, then Option and choose Force Quit from your dock. In case you have Windows, sell that shit on eBay and buy a Mac when Apple get to updating them in 2039. Just sayin’.

The problem is this is what I am “just sayin'” half of the time. I am selling a high-end Sony tablet and bought a mid-range Samsung instead. Husby’s understanding of the differences between those two is “one is larger”. Explaining how 2 vs 3 GB of RAM affects performance of Android is not vital to him, strangely enough. He also gave me a smartwatch for my birthday, which is motivating as the damn thing has a pedometer and if I sit too long (like now typing this posts) it buzzes to let me know I’m literally getting fatter RIGHT THIS MOMENT. He couldn’t switch it on and off. Not to mention checking how many steps he has taken. I suspect he’d have a problem with clasping it on his wrist, which isn’t surprising though because I do as well.

Recently I had to fix a problem for someone: his Windows switched on at night. Like, the computer switched on by itself as if by magic. Every night. Googling THAT is like googling “ingrown hair in my nose” – first page will tell you it’s cancer. In this case I got 276 thousand results and each of them different. I’ll cut the story short and tell you it took me ten days to fix – because every time I made a change I had to wait 24 hours to see if it took. Husby’s Mac doesn’t do that *cue in the series of “I’m a Mac, I’m a PC” ads* but sometimes it does truly terrifying things. Like asking if it can update Java or install a security update. Without me, Husby would probably do his taxes on paper, have his e-mails printed and sent by letter and “browse the interweb web” by asking someone else to do it for him. With me around he feels comfortable enough to use an iPad.

I am a nerd. I suffer physical pain knowing his iPad has 16 GB storage which is enough for operating system, two photographs, seven books and a 30-second recording of white noise he made by accident and doesn’t know how to delete. It is not even an iPad Pro. Husby doesn’t know what iPad Pro is. He uses the iPad alright and it is fast enough and continues working which is a source of my continual frustration because there really, really is no way I could talk him into buying an updated one. And one day (when reading this, probably) someone will find out that Husby is using a… a… 2014 model and laugh at me forever because THIS IS IMPORTANT OK. It’s like “you call yourself a nerd? More like ex-nerd”. (Us nerds can’t make word jokes. We can make jokes with binary code, like “how many kinds of people are there in the world? 10 – those who understand binary, and those who don’t”. This is VERY FUNNY. I hope you are rolling on the floor laughing now.)

Husby does other things too, of course, when not using his VERY OLD two-year iPad. Like carrying heavy objects, because of my back injury. You wouldn’t believe how many heavy objects are produced by a nerd who orders things like speakers, 28″ 4K displays, IKEA chairs (I have two desks for two computers, don’t judge me) etc. Which is why I need that pink Macbook from 2016. I hate the keyboard, I think it’s too small, I hear its battery after three months of use lasts just enough to open the macOS, BUT – it’s 1) pink, 2) very thin and 3) light, which is very good for my back injury. Which – the injury – doesn’t stop me from doing physical work but that is unrelated. It is vital that I own a pink computer and my Macbook Pro (which I use for pro things like browsing Facebook and typing blog posts) isn’t even golden or purple or lime green. It would be if I put it in a case, but then it would be thicker and I couldn’t live with that either. My life is incomplete.

He also makes embroideries. Husby, not a pink Macbook. I can’t believe I have to explain this, but then Macs are really good at many things. Generally unlike me Husby finds a new hobby and sticks with it. TO DEATH. Everything in this house is embroidered by now, including cutlery, lightbulbs and plants. If we had a cat, it would be embroidered. He suggested (Husby, not embroidered cat we don’t have) (don’t call PETA) that my next tattoo (which is a thing that will happen on Dec 28 and I will have to find another Sims 4 mod for pics) should be done with embroidery machine. I pointed out that ink and thread are not the same thing. He pointed out he’d do it for free. Good call, Dutch person, good call. It still is a no, but now I am thinking of the fact I could buy quite a chunk of a pink Macbook for the money saved. Like all keys from A to F. Those things are expensive but saving me from constant pain caused by not having a pink laptop that is 0.3 mm thin is worth it.

Husby also cooks. And saws (sows? that’s how much I know about the procedure) buttons on my things, because I am good at breaking clothes. Oh wait. He embroiders them “by accident because he thought it was something else” while doing the buttons. I think I just found out how this happens. He also does the shopping. And changes bedsheets. And makes The Good Coffee although that doesn’t count to his advantage because the only thing I require of coffee is that it includes caffeine.

Don’t let him read this post. It’s easy for me to make sure he won’t by blocking his IP. He doesn’t know what an IP is. And this is why despite the fact all I do is fix his browser’s AdBlock once a year and close Spotify every now and then – not like I hacked it or anything, of course – we remain married. Because he has been brainwashed into understanding that without me he will never be able to update his iPad’s system and since he uses it for reading, he will never be able to read anything again except for the cookbooks and coffee table books we kept when moving everything else to e-books. And this is why it’s good to be a nerd. “You there, bring me a good curry. In return I will make sure all your emails containing the word ‘the’ stop sending in 100000 copies to the recipient. You’re welcome.” Also it’s not like I do nothing. I do the laundry (I reprogrammed the washing machine so we can do whites and colours at the same time); the dishwasher (it now washes things that say they are not dishwasher-ready); dryer (it now folds clothes and puts them in the walk-in storage) and switch on TV. But even I can’t figure how to use the DVR. Take it from me – DVRs are torture devices developed by CIA. “You will be released when you manage to record the latest episode of Keeping Up With Kardashians. In the meantime you have to WATCH Keeping Up With Kardashians.” “Please Sir, can I have waterboarding instead?” “No. Kardashians.” “I WILL TELL ANYTHING.”

This post has not been sponsored by Apple, but I wish it would. Send me a pink Macbook, Tim. ROSE GOLD I MEAN. No need to go all horrible on me and force me to use Apple Music.

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