A pigeon fell in love with my Husby.
I don’t really mind. I mean, we have an open marriage, he put a ring on it (and so did I, I’m not some kind of stingy bastard). But Husby is so pissed off he blocked the pigeon on interspeciesdating dot com. Unfortunately though, the bird has our address and is stalking Husby full time. And it goes, “blorp blorp wanna fuck” and Husby’s all like “DIE IN HELL SATAN” and pigeon is like “lol send cock pics”.
We are having lunch, when suddenly my beloved announces “I hear the pigeon” and runs out of the kitchen. Banging (not the good sort) on window commences. Then he runs back and shouts “quick, where is our flamethrower” and I have to remind him that he didn’t allow me to buy one because I would use it indoors. (I would. Because spiders.) So he asks where our shotgun is and I have to remind him we don’t live in America. Then he gets all miserable and sits down, staring at his sandwich, when suddenly there’s “proot proot, top or bottom” and he starts running and shouting again.
I am pleased to report I only has a stalker once and as far as I am aware he was human. He’d call my number in the middle of the night and start screaming obscenities that even made me blush, and it’s hard to make me blush, unless you tell me I’m pretty. Then I will blush. He called from unknown number, because duh, and after about four times I picked up the phone and said “next time I am calling the police” and he hung up, never to call again. I never found out who that was.
Oh. I also had an ex stalking me. But he only did it online, because he was too lazy to actually walk the 500 meters to my apartment. (Phew.) Then he moved to another country to live with his mom, because nobody would give him any job, including cashier in the supermarket. Not like I was pleased to hear that, I am not a monster after all, but I might have thought something about karma. Along the lines of “you rock, karma, and next time I see you at a bar I am buying you a drink of your choice”. See? That’s nice of me. But I digress. As always. I’m sure you got used to it by now. But I digress.
The problem with the pigeon is that apparently you can’t get a restraining order against birds, which strikes me as human discrimination and we’re considering suing the state. (Note: RIGHT THIS MOMENT I hear “blorp blorp, I know you want me” coming from outside. Don’t tell Husby.) It’s a shame it’s not a rooster instead, because I would totally make a cockblocking joke. Is there even a different name for pigeon other than “horny pervert”? The other problem is that he sits in Husby’s plants. As you know, my attitude to plants is basically “Oh. It died.” But my boy is all like “look, we’re going to have at least 3 strawberries this year”. He also insists it’s always the same pigeon, which on one hand is reassuring, because it would be disturbing if he had even more stalkers from interspeciesdating dot com (he tells me not to post the actual link because we don’t need cows and snakes outside). On the other though it tells me he DID examine that birdy very, very closely, possibly from way smaller distance than I would feel comfortable with. Do pigeons carry STDs? Actually please don’t tell me that. Seriously, DO NOT TELL ME.
At least now I can order a flamethrower from Amazon and Husby will not try to stop me.